My Baby Is Not A Papaya And I Am Not Glowing

Every single pregnancy website I read presents me with sugar coated facts and photos of perfectly shaped women with basketballs beneath their shirts.  Today, at week 32, I was warned that I may be having some heartburn due to my perfect little jicama (WHATEVER THE HELL THAT IS) pushing up on my stomach, and that taking Tums and propping my head up six inches “may” help.  The truth is, for some reason, God decided it would be a brilliant idea to shove a 3 and 1/2 pound human body in a space that was originally the size of a plum.  Instead of it growing outward or skimming the surface of its host’s organs, it literally moves aside the entire digestive tract until said host’s stomach is literally in her throat.  This is insane.  INSANE.  And propping my head up six inches is not going to help my heartburn.  Nothing can help a person whose stomach is in their throat. Continue reading

HANGRY! (And Other 2nd Pregnancy Symptoms)

Oh, I’m sure other women experienced severe hanger in their first pregnancies, but not me.  This second one has been different in so many ways.  I also need to clarify that I, myself have experienced hanger many times without being pregnant, but this hanger is different.  This hanger WAKES you up at 4:30am and forces you to mindlessly chug cinnamon apple sauce out of an old hot-chocolate-stained coffee mug.  Then, you lay there and think about how you had a cheeseburger and fries at 8 o’clock last night and there is no way you should physically be this hungry right now.   Continue reading

If TV Were Real Life

I have serious anxiety with certain TV shows and movies.  Two types annoy me in particular.  First, horror movies where the only reason anyone gets murdered is because they did exactly what NO REAL PERSON would actually do and stupidly get themselves killed.  The other is any sort of medical show where a doctor is giving nursing care to a patient.  AS IF.  After an intense Facebook conversation with a girl I went to highschool with (Shout out Angel) about how stupid Grey’s Anatomy and other such shows are at portraying real life, I’ve been inspired to share some of my most frustrating television moments.  Before I list them, you should know that I actually like some of these shows.  There is a place in television for moments that probably wouldn’t happen in real life.  However, they only work if they’re executed in that perfectly difficult to pull off comedic way, and most of the time, they just make my skin crawl. Continue reading

Journal: 11/2/15

Jackson Braxton Milk

Today was day one of keeping a newborn and a toddler together.    When Jack (20 months) was Braxton’s age (3 months), it was extremely difficult for me to carry him for long periods of time.  In fact, I’d say around 3 months is when my back started hurting me daily.  A few months later, it went away having built enough muscle to prepare for his next weight gain.  I couldn’t really do baby carrying. Continue reading

Parenthood: When You Think Your Life Is Over

The first three months of Jack’s life were the worst three of mine.  Because I was the one with the boobs and without a job, I had to wake up every 2 hours of my life.  I didn’t have postpartum depression.  I had postpartum exhaustion. When the nurse left me alone in my hospital room with Jack, I had a total panic attack.  I didn’t know how to breastfeed, soothe, or even hold my baby.  I didn’t know I was supposed to be changing him (I assumed they were doing that).  I didn’t know ANYTHING.  In that moment, with my husband passed out on the couch, I felt so alone.  It was seriously terrifying.  A week later, my mom left and it was just me and Jack, every two hours, non-stop.  I remember thinking my life was over.  What had we done?  This was my life now.  It didn’t help that every day from four to seven, Jack would scream.  He just screamed his little heart out for no apparent reason.  The only thing that calmed him was being swaddled so tight he couldn’t budge and walked around the house briskly.  So, when I wasn’t sleeping, I was either nursing or bouncing around the house singing “You Are My Sunshine” in the happiest voice a walking dead person could muster. Continue reading

When Toddlers Attack

As I am writing this, my little angel dumplin’ is chillin’ in his crib, singing happy songs about how much he loves his mother because of my undying affection for him.  He is holding his Momo blankie and thinking of all the fun times he had with me today. Like when he threw that soup can at my head.  Or when he picked up a baseball bat and hit me as hard as he could.  Or, here is the best part, when he grabbed a glass bowl that I was eating from and hit me directly in the nose and I seriously thought it was broken.  His favorite part of the day, I’m sure, is laughing at me as I tried to get him to stay in “the time out corner”.  This escape from baby prison game is THE BEST!  You know how psychopaths on TV like to smile as they’re about to torture their victims?  Well, I think my baby might be a psychopath.  This brings me to a quick flashback story.  It’s the reason I’m here-in this amazing situation.  It’s the reason for my punishment. Continue reading