A Day In The Life Of A Full Time Poop Cleaner

You think you know poop?  You might-but I. Know. Poop.  I was even a poop expert pre-baby.  As a nurse, I can tell alot by your poop.  What medications you take, whether you drink enough water, and-any nurse will agree-whether or not you have C-diff.  I’m not kidding.  I can seriously smell C-diff.  NURSES CAN TELL YOU IF YOU HAVE C-DIFF.  They won’t, though.  Because they aren’t supposed to-but they totally know.

I know what you’re thinking.  “THIS IS DISGUSTING WHY IS SHE TELLING ME THIS?!”  Because I want to warn you.  The story I’m about to share with you is all about poop.  Duh.

At home, I am in charge of the cat’s litter box (on weekdays) and of course, my son’s glorious little diaper gifts.  I take the dogs out once or twice a day.  **I feel like my husband will want you to know that he takes the dogs to the park every day-and that I never take them to the park.  Ever.  And that usually, the dogs are with him when they poop.**  Still, they poop sometimes with me.  I am often the one (due to my husband’s weird sleeping schedule) to clean up animal vomit and what-not.

So, here is what went down yesterday.  I brought my one year old son home from a very long car trip to a restaurant (50 miles away) and then to another restaurant (20 miles away) because the former was closed.  I got the pot roast and for the first time EVER it was awful.  I sent it back for some fried chicken that wasn’t ready until we were about to leave.  The point is, it had been a long day.

I get home and put my son down to get things in the house.  I’ve already given him a bath before dinner in hopes that he would be asleep when we get home.  Nope.  He starts to play and then suddenly stops.  Completely frozen in his familiar “I’m taking a giant dump” pose.  I wait.  As I am changing him, I notice his cute little tushy is a bit red.  I decide to let it air out a little before I put some cream on it and get him ready for bed.

This is when I notice that in the other room, the litter box has been removed 15 feet from its original location.  It is overturned, lid off, and the carpet is covered in poop-filled litter.  There is literally NO litter in the damned box.  We have wooden floors, but of course, as is my dog’s want, all of the litter and its contents are directly on top of the only rug in the entire stupid room.  Instead of getting insanely agitated, I decide to just go in there and clean it up before I even have a chance to feel sorry for myself.  Sometimes, when I have to clean up a mess like this, I get angry with the entire world.  Like God told the dog to go dump out the litter box because I deserve punishment for cursing at the lady who wouldn’t get out of the fast lane yesterday.

So, I clean it up.  Scoop the poop.  Throw it out.  Sweep the room.  Vacuum the rug.  Return the litter box.  Then, I go back to the den to get my baby ready for bed so I can CHILL THE HELL OUT.

As I walk into the den, I notice a familiar smell.  I wonder, “Is that just because I just scooped poop?  Nope.  That is definitely toddler poop.  Perhaps, it is from the diaper I changed when we got home.”  (Yes.  I really do wonder to myself like that.)  NOPE.  My sweet little angel has just had diarrhea in two separate locations of the room.  The fully carpeted room.  The child, who JUST took a dump and usually doesn’t take another dump immediately after, has pooped ALL OVER THE CARPET.  Oh, well.  This one is totally on me.  I’ll just throw a diaper on him, put his PJs on and off to bed he goes while I clean this up.  Right?  NOPE.

First, I wipe his precious little behind, then I slap a diaper on him, and as I pick him up to put his pajamas on him, I notice the bottom of his feet.  Both of them.  You’ll never guess what it was.  Kidding.  You will.  It was poop.  MORE POOP.  At this point, it is on baby AND mommy.  To the bath we go.

Thirty minutes later, we are both clean and ready for bed.  I put him in his crib and thank you JESUS he immediately lays down like “Thanks, Mom.  Today was exhausting.  Holla.”

I’m feeling a little better.  Calmer.  Cleaner.  I walk back into the den ready to relax when something mushy and wet on the bottom of my foot quietly reminded me that “UM. DUH. THE WHOLE REASON YOU JUST TOOK A BATH WITH YOUR BABY IS BECAUSE HE DROPPED A MAJOR DEUCE ON YOUR DEN FLOOR .”  I wash my feet.  I clean the carpet.   I am done for the day.  I finally give up on life and go to bed.  Tomorrow is a new day-and hey-shit happens.

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Everybody’s Ugly To Somebody

I started writing this blog post over two months ago.  I wasn’t exactly sure what the plan was.  I was inspired to write it because my friend Lenneia posted this beautiful photo collage of yours truly when I was managing a Go-Pro for a white water rafting story that I was lucky enough to participate in:

selfie

Okay, so it isn’t the most flattering of collages.  In fact, Lenneia even had the courtesy to ask me if it was okay that she posted it and offered to remove it.  Of course, I didn’t mind a bit.  I love funny things, and this was hilarious.  I know I’m a fairly attractive person.  I know I have the ability to take cute pictures.  Who cares if the bottom right photo looks like my long lost twin brother?

This reminded me of people I know who have seriously gotten upset with me for posting an unflattering photo of them.  It’s happened more than once, and each time I hadn’t even noticed. Continue reading

What If God Snatched You Up Into Heaven Right Now?

So, I’m reading a little Genesis this afternoon and it’s all, “This dude fathered this guy and this man made this baby who had more babies….”  and  all the sudden this man named Enoch is snatched.  Into Heaven.  Because God and him and like total BFFs.  WHAT?!  Amongst a bunch of boring who-fathered-who hoopla, Enoch disappears.  Here are the verses: Continue reading

The KKK Are People Too

I’ve been avoiding reading about the Confederate flag controversies lately.   Between that, the Marines in Chattanooga, ISIS, and Planned Parenthood, I just need a break.  When my husband told me about the KKK hiding in a parking garage in South Carolina, however,  I had to look it up.  I’m so glad I did.  It was a moment of entertainment amongst a lot of serious crap piles.  Click HERE to watch the video.

Have you ever seen Django, Unchained?  It was seriously incredible.  I am a huge Tarentino fan, but my mother would tell you he is THE WORST.  Anyway, there is a scene in the movie that immediately came to mind when I saw the KKK hiding in a parking garage.  The language is so foul that I cannot talk myself into posting a link here, but you can look it up if you so desire.  As they prepare for a raid, a group of klansmen stop on their horses to discuss their plans and end up getting in an argument over whether or not they were going to wear bags over their heads or not.  Although it was in a negative light, it kind of humanizes members of the KKK.  It reminds the viewer that they probably had conversations and disputes within the clan about how hard one member’s wife worked on making their pillowcase head ware or how difficult it is to see out of them.  I did find another funny and clean link HERE that makes me wonder what in the world the KKK in this century actually does discuss in their little meetings.  Do they have coffee and doughnuts?  Potluck dinners?  Do they get together for family picnics and fall festivals-and what were the members of the KKK saying to each other as police protected them in the parking garage in South Carolina? Continue reading

Everything’s Up To Date In Kansas City

Today was crazy.  I ran pretty much every errand on my list.  Sent cards.  Went to bank.  Purchased and wrapped wedding gifts.  Got ten dollar Target gift card for buying two boxes of diapers.  (Woot!) Bought Maya Angelou stamps. (Double woot!)  As Jack and I were exiting our car at Target, the sky fell upon us and soaked us completely.  It was almost nice, as the air conditioned building helped us survive the record breaking heat that has kept us from going anywhere outdoors this week.  The best part of my day may have been when my dog puked up hamburger grease on the carpet.  Or maybe it was a few hours later when she did it again, but I didn’t notice-until my baby slipped in it-requiring an immediate tiny human rinse off/carpet cleaning combo.  Actually, it might even be about an hour ago, when my husband woke me up in the middle of the night to find his car keys that I lost.  It’s hard to believe that only a few days ago, we were living it up in Kansas City.  Already, we are back to the real world of annoying my husband and bathing my puke covered toddler. Continue reading

The Christian Bully

Before I begin, I would like to say to my fellow bloggers that every once in a while it is really nice to go back to old school pen and paper.  It gives a writer more time to think before writing something she may regret sharing.  How perfect that I find myself without a laptop when wanting to get out my feelings on such a sensitive topic.  As I’m sure any person with a television is aware, gay marriage is now legal in all fifty states of America.  This has disheartened many and has fulfilled dreams that many others never thought possible.  My opinion on the matter is really not what this post is about, but in case you are wondering, I think it is certainly constitutional.   Continue reading