As I am writing this, my little angel dumplin’ is chillin’ in his crib, singing happy songs about how much he loves his mother because of my undying affection for him. He is holding his Momo blankie and thinking of all the fun times he had with me today. Like when he threw that soup can at my head. Or when he picked up a baseball bat and hit me as hard as he could. Or, here is the best part, when he grabbed a glass bowl that I was eating from and hit me directly in the nose and I seriously thought it was broken. His favorite part of the day, I’m sure, is laughing at me as I tried to get him to stay in “the time out corner”. This escape from baby prison game is THE BEST! You know how psychopaths on TV like to smile as they’re about to torture their victims? Well, I think my baby might be a psychopath. This brings me to a quick flashback story. It’s the reason I’m here-in this amazing situation. It’s the reason for my punishment. Continue reading
After hearing myself say to my son, “No. We don’t put our hand in the dog’s butt.” and posting said statement on Facebook, I was inspired by my friend Amber to figure out a way to help toddlers answer the more difficult questions in life. Often, when saying to Jack, “Don’t lick that!” or “We don’t show our belly button to total strangers, darling.”, he has a very confused expression on his face. So, after way too much time figuring out how to create flowcharts on free online software, I give you: Flowcharts for Toddlers. The following should be helpful for your child when a challenging situation arises. Good luck!
A few minutes ago, someone rang my doorbell. I will never know who because when my husband is asleep, or not home, and my doorbell rings, I freeze. I slide down in my chair and refuse to move. It’s as if there is a t-rex at my door and if I move, he will find me and eat me. I assume it was someone selling me Jesus or a home security system, but in the back of my mind I can’t help imagining it was a man selling candy from a van who wants to abduct me and my child and take us to his basement and force us to perform show tunes for the next 30 years. This scenario got me thinking about other weird things I do-and I wonder who else does them. Is it so weird? You tell me. Here are some weird things I do: Continue reading
Today, as my family and I were driving home, we witnessed a woman break a bottle on the back of another woman’s head. There were four of them. My husband’s reaction was to pull over and make sure no one was going to kill anybody. My reaction was total annoyance, as the ladies were fighting in the middle of road, and I wanted to go home. I felt nothing. I barely even acknowledged what had happened. Continue reading