10 Things All Moms Ask On Facebook

Ah!  This is my first guest blog post!  My friend, Kelly Love, suggested I write about the Mommy Boards on Facebook, but I don’t really have experience with them.  I usually just ask Kelly or my other friends for “Momvice”.  So, Kelly decided to write the damned thing herself.  Here it goes:

If you’re a mom these days, chances are you may have joined a mom’s group on facebook. They’re a great resource for new moms who are freaking out about every little thing, if you’re trying to get rid of stuff in the basement, and for advice on illnesses, behaviors, handling in-laws, et cetera. Let’s be real here, the mom group is kind of a God send for everyone, since posts can ask questions about poop, rashes, and other gory kid stuff, and spare the hungover-facebook-friend-from-college from wretching up their 3am Taco Bell, because it’s no longer on their news feed. (I miss you, by the way, friend.)

Being a member of a couple of them, I’ve noticed a few things, so if you’re new to this, here’s a list of the
10 Things All Moms Ask On Facebook
10. “What is this rash?”
On a scale of 1-youshouldgototheER, it’s normally right around a two. Kids get rashes, a lot. Moms love to talk about it, because rashes are weird. Kudos to the freakout mom who already went to the doctor (who probably laughed behind her back), and got the ‘give it three days and call me then’ prescription. She’s always willing to help. Pictures are absolutely necessary, and moms will 100% tell you if your kid’s rash is not normal.
9. “My kid won’t eat!”
This one is usually followed by the ‘All kids are different’ comment, and eventually you’ll get to the super crunchy mom who tells you you’re doing it all wrong and need to make everything from scratch, from your organic mini-farm in the backyard. Truth is, all kids are different, and some of them suck at eating. It may be your fault for being a terrible chef, or it may be that they just aren’t that hungry. I assure you, your kid will eventually eat. It may not be your non-GMO, all-organic, dairy-free vegan tofu meatballs, but he/she WILL eat.
8. “My kid won’t sleep!”
UGH. Some kids won’t. These moms are always seeking advice, and unfortunately, most of them never figure out the miracle-thingamajig that will help their precious little jerk stay asleep. These moms will want to slap the moms who say “Oh that sucks because mine is a GREAT sleeper!” Good for you, mama, but let’s remember those in suffering.
7. “Buy my shit!”
This mom is either on baby number 7 and done-zo, hates clutter, or is broke. Help her out. Kids don’t keep things long, and chances are, you’ll get a killer deal on a barely used thing. You’d take it from your sister, why not take it from another mom who might need a buck or two?!
6. “I hate my in-laws!”
Bless this mama’s heart. Her MIL is a psycho. Legit. The stories you’ll read on this thread will give you nightmares and make you want to kiss your in-laws. No joke. Have a terrible set of in-laws? Share your horror stories. Commiserate. Scare the rest of us into being grateful.
5. “Help me plan my kid’s first birthday party, complete with 150 guests, a celebrity, place cards, and a balloon release!”
FIRST TIME MOM ALERT! She “wants” your help, but really, she doesn’t. She’s going to plan this bash down to the color of the bottom of her LO’s shoes, and then she’ll probably post pictures of the event to show off how awesome she is. She probably spent more on the party than your labor and delivery cost, so she just might post a few days later trying to sell confetti, so give her some support. Kudos, mama. You do you, boo.
4. “I’m new here. I’m clueless. Someone tell me how to take care of a baby, BECAUSE I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT I’M DOING.”
This mom needs you. Please help her out. For the sake of humanity. No, seriously. That child needs you. This post is not to be confused with the pregnant moms who think they won’t know what to do, but eventually figure it out. For most moms, momming comes naturally. For this mom, not so much. I will say it again, help her.
3. “OMG you guys! There are things happening all the time! Come to all the things! (and meet me, because I am the perfectest of the perfects)!”
We get it. You have fun. You’re perfect on Facebook. From the okayest moms out there, thank you for giving us an option when we get a little froggy and want to leave the house. You may have even guilted us into thinking we don’t do enough. But then we remember that we’re doing just fine as a momma, and so are you, so it’s whatevs.
2. “CAN I VENT ABOUT SOMETHING BECAUSE IT IS DRIVING ME INSANE. I MAY BE SO CRAZY FROM THE THING THAT IS DRIVING ME INSANE THAT I FORGET TO USE PUNCTUATION” (double points for all caps)
This post either garners LOTS of advice and support, or it’s so grammatically cringeworthy, it gets crickets. Either way, we hope you feel better for posting it here and not on your actual facebook page for the rest of the world to see.
1. “Potty training my LO. Need. Help.”
Every mom will post about this, eventually. Every mom is successful, eventually (well, their kid is, but you get me). Every mom can offer advice, eventually. All kids poop. All kids pee. It’s messy. It’s gross. It’s frustrating. Only moms in the throes of potty training will really appreciate this post, but you’ll probably see it every single week.
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