If TV Were Real Life

I have serious anxiety with certain TV shows and movies.  Two types annoy me in particular.  First, horror movies where the only reason anyone gets murdered is because they did exactly what NO REAL PERSON would actually do and stupidly get themselves killed.  The other is any sort of medical show where a doctor is giving nursing care to a patient.  AS IF.  After an intense Facebook conversation with a girl I went to highschool with (Shout out Angel) about how stupid Grey’s Anatomy and other such shows are at portraying real life, I’ve been inspired to share some of my most frustrating television moments.  Before I list them, you should know that I actually like some of these shows.  There is a place in television for moments that probably wouldn’t happen in real life.  However, they only work if they’re executed in that perfectly difficult to pull off comedic way, and most of the time, they just make my skin crawl.

When kids have the last word (Examples: Parenthood; Nashville)-There are way too many arguments between parent and child where the child gets angry and says, “I HATE YOU!” and runs out the door….or up to their room…or somewhere other than with their parents. The parents almost always say something like, “Jessica!  Come back!” as they walk towards the direction the child went.  When the child doesn’t come back, the parents just give up and look defeated.  They look so sad and hurt.  Ya’ll.  In real life, if I yelled something like that to my Mama, she might be hurt, but that is not how she would look.  She would look like a Pitbull with rabies. There is no way my mother would let me yell something like that and run out the door.  She would literally be one step behind me until she bumped into me causing me to trip.  Then, she would let me know what an ungrateful little you-know-what I am.  She would let me know several times-until I snapped out of it and said, “I love you, mama” even if it was in a little orphan Annie/Ms Hannigan sort of way.

When people just hang up the phone at the end of a conversation (Examples: Almost every drama on TV)-Maybe this is just the Southern Belle in me, but it seriously drives me nuts.  How do you know the conversation is done?  What if the person you were talking to had more to say?  Are you really SO cool that you don’t have to say “Goodbye” before you hang up the phone?  All of my phone conversations end with, “Okay, thanks.  I’ll talk to you later.  Bye.”  or “All right.  Love you.  Bye.” or the quick to-the-point ones where we are both in a hurry end, “Okay.  Bye.”  In real life, if someone called me and asked me a question and I answered them and they just hung up the damned phone like “I got what I wanted from you.  Holla.” I would call them right back and ask them who peed in their cornflakes this morning.

When women go into labor (Examples: Every single show or movie ever)-Anytime any woman on a screen goes into labor, one of two things happen. Either her water breaks and everyone is freaking out or she calmly comes into the room and gracefully peeps, “It’s time.” giving her baby daddy an excited and nervous lovingly look.  Regardless of how they get to the hospital, the actual labor is almost always a woman screaming and grinding her jaw, usually she either says, “I’m scared!” or “You did this to me!”  In real life (for me and many of my friends anyway), I thought I might possibly be having contractions.  We debated on when to go to the hospital.  I really wasn’t sure if I was in labor or not. When we went to the hospital, WE WERE BORED OUT OF OUR MINDS and waited thirteen hours until it was time to push.  It was calm and quiet and focused and I was told to relax my jaw.  Not clench my teeth like I was ripping apart a Slim Jim.

When doctors do nurse things (Example: Grey’s Anatomy and House and Scrubs)-As a nurse, this really gets my tourniquets tangled .  I’m not putting down doctors.  They have more important things to do than help a patient turn in bed, give a patient medications, or sit with them and learn their life stories.  It’s not that doctors aren’t great people, but it just isn’t their job.  In real life, they visit as many patients they can, review their charts, and order tests and treatments.  The show House is a little more understandable because their whole job is to focus on specific cases, but the others are simply insane.  If your doctor is helping you use the bathroom or bringing you Tylenol, he’s probably just pretending to be a doctor like that kid who opened his own OB clinic in Florida.  Abort!  ABORT!

When babies are just chillin wherever all the time (Example: Nashville, Full House, Parenthood)– Let’s just go to Nashville since it happens to be one of my favorite shows.  Everytime, we see Avery (a single father) holding /Cadence (his baby girl), he is comforting her and then putting her in a crib.  Most scenes with him don’t include Cadence.  We are reminded by her existence because she cries out every time Avery’s scene is about to wrap up.  Not once do we see her in a bouncy seat or playing on the floor like a normal baby.  She cries.  He goes to get her and looks longingly into space, wishing his wife weren’t bat**** crazy.   In real life, babies are pretty much always in the room with you.  They are in some sort of contraption to keep them entertained and safe and they don’t sleep all day long. Sometimes, we just hold them because we like them and think they’re cute.  They aren’t either crying hysterically or happily sleeping in the crib.  If they were, we probably wouldn’t like them as much.

I actually have more things to add to this list, but have been told by readers that anything over 1,000 words is too much to hold their millennial attention spans.  If you’ve made it this far, I’d love to know what your television pet peeves are.  Please comment on my FB page or right here on the bloggety bloop.

*Hears a creepy noise from the kitchen.  Has gut feeling there is a murderer near by.  Slowly backs away from computer screen.* END SCENE









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