When Toddlers Attack

As I am writing this, my little angel dumplin’ is chillin’ in his crib, singing happy songs about how much he loves his mother because of my undying affection for him.  He is holding his Momo blankie and thinking of all the fun times he had with me today. Like when he threw that soup can at my head.  Or when he picked up a baseball bat and hit me as hard as he could.  Or, here is the best part, when he grabbed a glass bowl that I was eating from and hit me directly in the nose and I seriously thought it was broken.  His favorite part of the day, I’m sure, is laughing at me as I tried to get him to stay in “the time out corner”.  This escape from baby prison game is THE BEST!  You know how psychopaths on TV like to smile as they’re about to torture their victims?  Well, I think my baby might be a psychopath.  This brings me to a quick flashback story.  It’s the reason I’m here-in this amazing situation.  It’s the reason for my punishment. Continue reading

Flowcharts For Toddlers

After hearing myself say to my son, “No.  We don’t put our hand in the dog’s butt.” and posting said statement on Facebook, I was inspired by my friend Amber to figure out a way to help toddlers answer the more difficult questions in life.  Often, when saying to Jack, “Don’t lick that!” or “We don’t show our belly button to total strangers, darling.”, he has a very confused expression on his face.  So, after way too much time figuring out how to create flowcharts on free online software, I give you: Flowcharts for Toddlers.  The following should be helpful for your child when a challenging situation arises.  Good luck!

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10 Things All Moms Ask On Facebook

Ah!  This is my first guest blog post!  My friend, Kelly Love, suggested I write about the Mommy Boards on Facebook, but I don’t really have experience with them.  I usually just ask Kelly or my other friends for “Momvice”.  So, Kelly decided to write the damned thing herself.  Here it goes:

If you’re a mom these days, chances are you may have joined a mom’s group on facebook. They’re a great resource for new moms who are freaking out about every little thing, if you’re trying to get rid of stuff in the basement, and for advice on illnesses, behaviors, handling in-laws, et cetera. Let’s be real here, the mom group is kind of a God send for everyone, since posts can ask questions about poop, rashes, and other gory kid stuff, and spare the hungover-facebook-friend-from-college from wretching up their 3am Taco Bell, because it’s no longer on their news feed. (I miss you, by the way, friend.) Continue reading

My Parents’ Divorce

When my parents got divorced, I was only a few months away from getting engaged.  Actually, their divorce finalized four days after I got engaged.  At 26 years old, I thought I had dodged the bullet that splits families apart.  I thought, Well, if they aren’t divorced by now, I guess they’re going to stick it out.  Suck it up.  Keep their vows miserably until death do them part and all that. Continue reading

The Friend Formula-How To Keep Great Friends With Limited Drama

Do you feel like you’re surrounded by drama?  Every time you think you have a good and trustworthy friend, do they disappoint you?  Do you surround yourself with guys because you just can’t take anymore cat fights?  Then, I have to tell you something about friendship.  You’re doing it wrong.  Even if you aren’t a drama queen, if you are constantly surrounded by drama then you really need to reevaluate your friendships.  Here is a handy little diddy for you to read and re-read whenever you have had enough. Continue reading

Things You Need To Know Before You End Up In A Nursing Home

A conversation I’ve had with quite a few people:

Notme McNotterson: What do you do for a living?

Me: I work in a nursing home.

Notme McNotterson: Oh, my.  I couldn’t do that.  

Me: Really?  Why?

Notme McNotterson: Well, you know….They’re….old….and sick and all.  It just seems like such a sad place.


First of all, nursing homes get an insanely bad rap.  They might have been insane asylums in the 1950’s, but now they are just really nice, clean, and safe places for people who need help to live. Do you know that there are more state rules and regulations in place for a nursing home than a nuclear power plant?  It’s true. Continue reading