This is Heidi:

This is Hobbes:

We love them so much.  We want them to bark.  We want them to alert us of predators loitering in our garage.  We want them to scare away the people who are trying to sell us something.  We want them to wake us from a deep slumber if our house is on fire.  BUT OH MY GOD WILL YOU PLEASE STOP BARKING AT THE LITTLE GIRL PLAYING DRESS-UP IN HER DRIVEWAY?!?!  Heidi?  Hobbes?  While we appreciate you and your amazing skills, I need to explain to you why sometimes, it’s really unnecessary.  Here are some really stupid things that make you bark:

1. THE WHITE CAT-He’s always there.  Almost every day.  He is fluffy and white and he couldn’t give a crap about you.  You obviously don’t intimidate him.  He just sits and stares at our house.  He doesn’t even go so far as to poop in our yard, but good Lord you hate him.  You HATE him.  You hate him so loud that I hate him too.  Once, I went out with Jack and tried to chase him out of the yard just so you two would hush.  I barked.  Jack “Ba!”ed.  Neighbor laughed.  Snowfart didn’t budge.  It was humiliating.  You are only giving him what he wants.  Cats can be very condescending.

2. THE MAILMAN– We LIKE mail.  Mail brings us fun things from Amazon and nice cards from family.  Mail brings us flea drops to keep you protected.  You are so cliche’ when you bark at the mailman.  Don’t you want to be more original?  Technically, he isn’t even on our property.  Why can you not tell the difference between a nice mail man and a serial killer?  Bark at the serial killer, please.  Wait.  Is our mailman a serial killer?

3. THE RANDOM NOISE THAT COMES FROM OUR LAUNDRY ROOM WALL-I really don’t know what it is.  Our water heater is in there.  Maybe it’s that.  It’s just a little “Tut tut tut”.  Happens a few times a day.  Could be a mouse.  Heidi, you seem pretty sure someone is slowly carving their way through the walls.  You will definitely be ready when Mighty Mouse finally makes his grand entrance, but why make him aware of your presence?  Don’t you want the upper paw?

4. THE CARTOON OF AN ANIMAL THAT DOESN’T EVEN EXIST-Hobbes, A Bubble Guppie is NOT a real thing, but that is beside the point because anything on television is not actually here….in the room….with us.  Have you EVER seen anything from the television leave its little box?  Don’t get confused.  The cat might sit in front of the television and walk away and it might appear that he comes out of the box, but he doesn’t-and neither do those terrifying Bubble Guppies.

5.  PEOPLE AT THE GAS STATION WHEN YOU ARE IN A MOVING VEHICLE-I am trying to comprehend why you think these people could possibly be a threat.  We are moving away from them at 45 miles an hour.  They are no where NEAR our vehicle.  You know, technically, since we are the ones in motion, they’ve already won.  We are leaving them.  There is no point in barking at them to protect your Dad’s car when the car is actually running away from the evil strange human creature. It’s the same thing as yelling, “You’re fired!”  after someone says, “I quit!”  It’s kind of awkward and makes you seem very insecure.

6. THE BIRDS WHO ARE MAKING A HOME FOR THEIR BABIES-You guys!  They are literally NESTING!  Don’t you remember when Mommy did that?  When I started cleaning and preparing the nursery for your baby brother, Jack?  That’s what these birds are doing.  They are just borrowing our porch.  They won’t be here long.  Just long enough to raise their little bird babies.  You are making them very uncomfortable.  It’s like you don’t even like babies.  OH MY GOD DO YOU NOT LIKE MY BABY?!

7.  GINGER, YOUR NEIGHBOR DOG-This one really blows my mind.  In the BACK yard, you go right up to her, sniff her, let her mother pet you and throw your frisbee.  Usually, she hops her little 6 pound body on two legs to get closer to you because she loves you so much.  You’re all like, “Hello, little neighbor dog.  What a lovely day we are having.” Then, when you see her in the FRONT yard, it’s like you think she’s a different dog.  Somehow, she has morphed into an evil minion puppy that wants to kidnap your family and send you to the pound.  Then, you totally freak her out and confuse her and you wonder why she doesn’t run up to greet you the next day.  IT IS BECAUSE YOU TOLD HER YOU HATED HER AND ACTED LIKE SHE WAS THE ENEMY YESTERDAY.

Phew!  I’m so glad I got that off my chest.  Now, please remember to continue to bark anytime a stranger is on our property or if Jack is stuck in the well.  Thank you for listening.  Now, who wants a Beggin Strip?!