Every time I write a blog, I get comments about how thoughtful I am or how wise I am for my years. When I post something on Facebook, I get comments like, “Oh, you guys are so much fun!” “Never a dull moment with you!” “Beautiful family!”. The one that makes me most insecure is “Well said” or “Perfectly worded.” Obviously, these things make me feel GREAT! However, they also make me look a little closer at myself and wonder if people see me as a little wiser and considerate than I actually am. Any thing I ever write comes from experiences, and I enjoy looking back on them and finding something meaningful. The thing is, to get to the point where I can evaluate my own behavior to the world around me, I have to mess up-ALOT-first. As my mother can confirm, I am definitely a “learn the hard way” kind of person.
I bought my first big girl car the first day I went to the dealership. Lesson learned. I made fun of a boy that annoyed me in middle school. Lesson learned. I drank an entire solo cup of cheap wine when I was sixteen. Lesson learned. I got a loan I couldn’t afford to pay in college. Lesson learned. I think you get the point. I’m not even going to tell you the lessons I’m too ashamed to admit I learned the hard way. I guess what I am trying to say is, I am not this wise old elf I play on the internet. While I do try to learn from my mistakes, I continue to behave in ways I write about avoiding.
Rick just asked me what I was writing about. “How I’m not really a nice person.”, I said. Rick goes, “Finally, somebody is saying it.” He was trying to be funny, but seriously y’all. I’m not that nice. I mean….I’m nice…but not THAT nice. There are people I don’t like FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON. I get so heated up on social issues on Facebook that my husband frequently reminds me that I’ve said I’m not going to do that anymore. “Who’d you go crazy on this time?” All of my friends and family know that if someone is rude to me, I CANNOT let it go. I’m lucky no one has ever punched me in the face. If you’ve hurt or upset my friend, you wouldn’t believe the terrible things I’ve said about you to make them feel better. You also would never know how bitter I feel when your name is brought up. I’ve made some killer jokes on your behalf. Once, there was a lady at the movie theater who was incredibly rude to my mom. Did I go along with my mom’s calm demeanor (YES, SHE REALLY WAS THE CALM ONE), and help her put out the flames? No. I flipped out on this woman in a public place and scared this woman to the point of running away from me, and you know what? I STILL don’t have even an ounce of guilt about it. That lady can go suck an egg.
I guess I just needed to get that out. I love my life, but it’s not all rainbows and puppy farts. I get bitter. I get sarcastically mean. I get condescending and smug. I send my meanest thoughts to my closest friends who really know that I’m just a big ol’ hypocrite who loves to write. I am not the nicest person you know. So, here’s today’s lesson, folks. While I usually do try to be the best person I can be-at work, at home, in public-sometimes I don’t. Sometimes, I am mean and arrogant. Sometimes, I think I’m better than someone for absolutely no reason. Sometimes, I worry that people think I’m someone I’m not. Don’t believe everything you read on the internet-especially if its from a self absorbed know-it-all like me.