Walking Is For Losers

My 13 month old baby boy has asked me to type the following message.  As, I have agreed to be his secretary until he is able to read and write, I had to follow orders.  Here we go: 

Dear Babies of the Internet,

I feel it is my duty as head of my household and president of all babies everywhere to inform you all of a terrible mistake you are making.  No worries, I will also outline how to properly reverse it.

I have noticed that many of you are choosing to put more strain on your spine by using your abdominal muscles to propel you into an upright position.  I am not sure why in the world you would think this uncomfortable way of moving is a good idea, but to be frank, it is not.  Mommy calls this process “walking”, and she is CONSTANTLY trying to encourage me to join your movement.  I refuse.  Walking is for losers, and here is why:

1. Walking increases your risk for falls by 90%. It’s a fact.  When using all four of your limbs to transport yourself about you are 90 PERCENT less likely to fall.  Have you ever seen a dog or a cat fall while walking?

2. Walking decreases the amount of “Mommy-pick-ups” by 50%.  Mommy might SAY she will pick you up just as much when you can walk, but she won’t.  She will spout out some jargon about being a big boy or how you “are just killing her back” and she will force you to walk.  See, mommy?  You’re one of the losers who chooses to walk, putting more strain on your back muscles.

3. You look like an idiot.  Seriously. I can’t think of a better way to say it. I’ve seen you “toddlers”.  You know why the adults call you that?  BECAUSE YOU TODDLE about!  You look like a drunk clown.  They may say they’re laughing because you’re “just so cute” as you try to remain balanced while moving in a forward motion, but the bottom line is this: THEY ARE LAUGHING AT YOU.  This is unacceptable.  You are a PERSON, not a form of entertainment.

4. If you can walk, you can help clean up your toys.  You may be proud of yourself for becoming the admirable “Big Boy”, but with big boy motions, comes big boy responsibilities.  Suddenly, Mommy expects you to help her at the end of the day when she’s cleaning up your destruction zone.  You did not throw all of those toys, papers, car keys, and remote controls on the ground to pick it up, did you? No!  SIT DOWN!

Babies, it is time to unite!  Down with walking!  Up with crawling!  There is one simple way to reverse the damage you have done.  When your parents put you on the floor in a standing position, just relax your knees completely.  They might try a few more times, but they’ll give up eventually.  They have even come up with a name for it.  They call that “toddlering”.  This is a good sign that our movement is working!  I hope I have convinced you that only losers walk and only crawlers win.  

Thank you,

Jack Devens


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