Parenthood: When You Think Your Life Is Over

The first three months of Jack’s life were the worst three of mine.  Because I was the one with the boobs and without a job, I had to wake up every 2 hours of my life.  I didn’t have postpartum depression.  I had postpartum exhaustion. When the nurse left me alone in my hospital room with Jack, I had a total panic attack.  I didn’t know how to breastfeed, soothe, or even hold my baby.  I didn’t know I was supposed to be changing him (I assumed they were doing that).  I didn’t know ANYTHING.  In that moment, with my husband passed out on the couch, I felt so alone.  It was seriously terrifying.  A week later, my mom left and it was just me and Jack, every two hours, non-stop.  I remember thinking my life was over.  What had we done?  This was my life now.  It didn’t help that every day from four to seven, Jack would scream.  He just screamed his little heart out for no apparent reason.  The only thing that calmed him was being swaddled so tight he couldn’t budge and walked around the house briskly.  So, when I wasn’t sleeping, I was either nursing or bouncing around the house singing “You Are My Sunshine” in the happiest voice a walking dead person could muster. Continue reading