Guess what, guys?! I’m THIIIIRRRTTTTYYYY! Holy cow. That’s insane. It’s not old, but I’ve been in my twenties for so long….about ten years now. It’s weird, you know? I’m not old enough to know if birthdays will really affect me the way they do some people, but I really don’t think they will. Working with the elderly, I’ve learned that getting old really isn’t about the number, it’s about your quality of life. I’ve seen a very old fifty year old and a very young eighty year old. All that being said, this week, I bought a bag of lemons to drink lemon water every day. On my birthday wish list are: Running shoes, Fitbit, and skin care products, so obviously somewhere in my mind I’m fighting the aging process. I just hope I’m a young older person for as long as possible. While thirty isn’t old, it has certainly been long enough to learn a few life lessons. Through the years, I’ve grown a bit wiser. I’ve learned a lot, and have a lot left to learn, but here are thirty things I’ve learned in each year of my three decades:
One-Don’t pull the cat’s tail. She will try to eat you and your dad will then try to eat her. (obviously, I don’t remember this lesson)
Two-Don’t cut the string off of your Pee Wee Herman doll. He won’t be able to talk anymore and for some reason, your parents will be very upset about this. (I do remember this lesson.)
Three-The Easter Bunny did not kill Jesus.
Four- Befriend that weird little Sawah girl who comes to talk to you on stage in the middle of a church play like she just can’t even. She may hide her weirdness from others as she grows up, but you will always know the truth and she will be your BFF.
Five-Don’t trust your friend Ambah to cut your hair just because you did an amazing job on hers. Your hair will be ruined and hers will look great and you’ll STILL be in trouble. She will decorate your house one day and bake you things.
Six-Go ahead and marry Awi White on the playground. He’s a good dude and one day you will swap parenting advice. Guess what? He will have a child that looks eerily similar to yours.
Seven-Don’t pray that your house burns down so you can be on Rescue 911. Your house will burn down and you will be forever paranoid with your prayers.
Eight-To have a baby girl, your mommy takes a pink pill. To have a boy, she takes a blue one. Fact.
Nine-Pretending to be sick because you don’t understand division will not keep you from having to learn division. .
Ten-Your period is not a strange disease that will surely be the death of you, and you will not have it every day for the rest of your life. Mom will explain. And Dad will bring you home lady speed stick deodorant and sing “Girl! You’ll be a woman soon!” You won’t get it until you grow up and look back and laugh your butt off at your incredibly weird parents.
Eleven-Some people are mean to you because they have more than you do. There is nothing you can do about this. Move along.
Twelve-Getting your best friend to forge your moms signature on your report card is never a good idea.
Thirteen-You think you have big boobs now because everyone at school comments on them. You don’t have big boobs. You’re just the first one to get boobs. You’ll learn this in a year or so. It’ll be okay. You have other assets.
Fourteen-Death is hard. Even if it’s your 104 year old great grandmother. Everyone dies. Your grandparents will die one day. So will your parents. So will you.
Fifteen-Your mom will force you to go introduce yourself to the new girl. You won’t want to, but you’ll do it because Mom said. You will be so happy you did and will learn to actually want to get to know new people.
Sixteen-CAR PAYMENTS SUCK-but they also make you feel responsible and stuff.
Seventeen-A glass of wine and a Solo cup of wine are two very different things. You won’t drink wine again until you’re twenty five.
Eighteen-Your mom will get a rare form of cancer and the internet will tell you that she will likely die. Don’t google types of cancer. Don’t ever put yourself or your family on the dark side of statistics.
Nineteen-Travel. Travel anytime you can. Anywhere. Spend every dime on it. No regrets. It will change you in incredible ways.
Twenty-Speeding is not worth the ticket. Seriously.
Twenty One-Stick to a tall vodka cran and a glass of water. You don’t need to be more buzzed than that, and you wake up feeling great.
Twenty Two- Your Dad will have a heart attack. You’ll be more grateful for his role in your life
Twenty Three-You’ll meet an amazing man and realize there are people who like you for who you actually are and not who they want you to be.
Twenty Four-Your friends are your family. They will still be around when your parents are gone. Remember that.
Twenty Five-Your parents will get divorced. You’ll take note of their mistakes before you get married.
Twenty Six-Planning a wedding is stressful. Just let other people do it for you. #bestdecisionever
Twenty Seven-A lot of stuff goes down in a not-so-great way with the labor and delivery of your first-born. Write a birth plan and show your Hulk side next time.
Twenty Eight-You’re the awesome mother you knew you would be. Don’t listen to critics.
Twenty Nine-You don’t apologize as much as you should. When you discover this you about yourself, you will be baffled, but you will work on it because you’re a grown up now.
Thirty-Well, considering today is day one and I actually finished this blog when I was twenty nine, I’m not sure what I’ll learn in my thirtieth year. I’m going to try pretty hard to get in shape this year. Maybe at the end of my fourth decade, I can tell you that I did. I sure hope so. If I had to pick the most important thing I’ve learned so far it’s this: Whatever happens, it’s all going to be okay.
Happy Birthday to me.